Dive Into Enjoyment

If it brings joy it can´t be bad

The guilt loop: When pleasure comes with shame

Do you know these situations where you do something and in the same time you think “I shouldn´t do that”?

I am a smoker. Yes. I know about the health issues and I do it anyways. There it is.

And like a lot of people around me I´ve learned over time how bad it is for your health. So, as many people I started to feel guilty whenever I lit a cigarette. But also every time I decided to do it anyways.

I even stopped smoking 2 times in my life and was stupid enough to start again. Guilty! The second time after 2 year of a dry smoker (yes, it´s similar of being a dry alcoholic, you need to decide every single day and hour not to) drunk me was weak and fell for a cigarette.

When I decided to leave Germany to become a professional diver I was even naive enough to think I would stop smoking once I´m in Thailand cause I would do a job where my lungs are my biggest asset. I was such a fool.

Let me tell you: 90% of all professional divers are smokers. Sounds silly? Yes, it is. I think it´s because of 3 reasons: 1^st it´s so freaking cheap compared to our home countries, 2^nd everyone is smoking so as a dry smoker it´s really hard not to and 3^rd we have quite a lot of free time.

In my corporate work the cigarette break was the calming down minutes. The break. In diving I think it is to have something to do with your hands during the time you just sit around.

But also every time I lit a cigarette I was together with the guilt. I shouldn´t do it.

Enjoyment vs. Expectation: The Roots of Shame

A friend of mine was the one that made me thinking about it. He is Hong Kong Chinese and one day when I said these words out loud while lighting my cigarette he said “You know, you Germans are so guilty about your smoking habits all the time. Chinese people love to smoke, they enjoy it and they get 100 years old. Maybe it´s not the smoking that causes the cancer, maybe it´s your guilt shaming?”

Of course there are other thousands of side effects to to consider as well. The food is different, the family situations are different and so on. It´s not that simple.

But it made me thinking.

I grew up in a household with a mother who had according to my knowledge (we never talked about it) sever eating disorders. Food was nothing enjoyable, it was a necessity. I didn´t grew up hearing “try this, it tastes so amazing”. No, I grew up hearing “be careful with this, you´ll get fat”.

Like a lot of people in abusive relationships I started to eat up my problems. I didn´t even knew at this point – I was barely a teenager – that I even had problems. Looking back I was probably already depressed. I am really happy I didn´t ended up becoming an alcoholic or a drug addict. Probably because my subconscious already understood that my grandmother, who was living in the same house, was alcohol addicted.

I was alone quite a lot of my childhood time, watching TV and I was eating all the candies and sweets my mother had hidden in the whole apartment. Thinking about it now I am not sure any more if it was correct what she told me. That she was hiding them from me. Maybe she was hiding them to cover up it´s there. Like so many addicts do.

So, because I´ve learned every day I was too fat and how bad food is and that food makes you fat I was eating all this without realizing the taste, or the structure. I just shuffled it into my mouth. With guilt. Guilt about getting fat, guilt about eating her candies and what will happen if she finds out, guilt about no being able to be more disciplined.

Reclaiming Food, Reclaiming Joy

It took me years and year, a lot of mental health books and thought-provoking impulse to start to be able to enjoy my food.

With smoking it was similar. If I was honest to myself I didn´t wanted to stop. I just did cause the society teaches you that you have to. Disclaimer: Better never even start! Of course it´s a bad habit and I wouldn´t suggest it to anybody. But I did when I was a teenager because I wanted to be one of the cool kids in border school. So, it was anyway too late for me.

Was I started to think about was the guilt every time I did it. Or the guilt every time I was eating something that was supposed to be unhealthy.

Can it be so bad if it makes me feel good?

The ice cream, the chocolate doughnut, the chocolate bar?

Hell no, it can´t! So why do I let myself guilt shame me all the time?

I started to give myself credit to be allowed to enjoy these kind of things. If it makes me happy just enjoy it!

I still find myself in situations where I eat in front of the TV without thinking about it or enjoying it.

What I´ve learned is to embrace all the other situations.

You want to eat noodles with ketchup and mayo cause that would make you feel good right now? Hell do it. And enjoy the f…. out of it!

After I´ve started to change my habits with this I also started to allow myself to enjoy other things in life.

If I wanted to be silly and childish – I did!

If it brings joy it can´t be bad. Enjoy!

You probably know the situations where you do something silly just because it´s a hell lot of fun and people around you look at you like you´re crazy. So what? If it brings me joy, it can´t be bad.

I learned to dive into this joy. Really focus on the taste, structure and feeling of the ice cream I was eating. Realising the happiness of driving around with my motorbike. Enjoying the time for myself in my bed, or my apartment. There are so many thing you start to see when you allow yourself to see and enjoy it.

We run through the world driven by time that we forget to see the small things in front of us.

• Allow yourself to enjoy the 30 seconds watching how the sun falls through the tree
• Allow yourself to enjoy to sit alone in a café in the sun watching people
• Allow yourself to feel good being alone
• Allow yourself to enjoy the glass of wine
• Allow yourself to enjoy the chocolate
• Allow yourself to play like a child
• Allow yourself to feel good as a single

Allow yourself to enjoy your life! In the way YOU want.