About

Who am I and why do I have this blog?

Let´s dive into my story

Good question.

Hi, I´m Ulla, 45 years old, not at all having the feeling that I´ve figured everything out or that I have “the right” to speak but putting myself out there to extend my comfort zone through my fear zone.

I grew up in a household with a narcissistic mother with an eating disorder, an emotional unavailable and physically unresent father, an alcohol addicted grandmother and a codependent grandfather. My parents got divorced when I was 2 years old. Nowadays not a big thing any more, but in the 80^th it was. I think we were the only children in our school with divorced parents. My father found a new partner 2 years later. She was also divorced with 2 kids, boys.

My parents were fighting over money all my life. My sister moved to my dad when she was 14 and old enough to decide for herself where to live. I think that was the only time we were really close. Besides that there was always a gap between us.

You can probably see where this is leading to.

A hell lot of childhood trauma

I don´t remember a lot of my early childhood any more. I definitely don´t remember a loving, laughing, hugging environment. I felt alone, I learned to suppress my emotions cause neither screaming, nor crying or later in my teenager years acting out with stealing caused any whatsoever reaction.

It still surprises me that I didn´t ended up being alcohol or drug addicted. I remember how often I was staring at the alcohol bottles of my mother wishing I could just drink all the unresolved emotions away. I never did! Maybe my subconscious had already understood that my grandmother was an addict. I finally learned that when I was 18 and living with my grandparents alone in our big house. My mother just mentioned this fact “on the side” like it was not a big deal.

I moved out half a year later with no money whatsoever cause my mother had misused everything that was supposed to help me start into my adult life for herself. I was living from child support money and the money my father nicely gave me on top. It was so less that I had after all fix bills were pay only the amount per day to decided if I wanted to eat French fries once per day or buy a bag of sweets to stretch it over the day. I lost so much weight at this time you can´t imagine.

Feeling of Freedom

But I felt free!

And boy did this teach me to deal with money….

I managed, I didn´t finished school and of course I didn´t went to university but I managed.

Yes, I had 4 jobs simultaneously for years after my education to survive. I stopped the contact to my mother after she send the police to my home to check on me cause she wasn´t able to reach me. To put that in context: When I was 18 she moved to Spain cause she wanted to be with her boyfriend at this time and I only heard from her when I called her. At this time she lived 250km away from me, that´s a 2,5 hour drive and she couldn´t remember that I was working between 7am and 7pm so instead of coming over herself she send the police to my home looking for me like I am a getting arrested or something.

It still took till the age of 27 and a man who impacted me that much that I couldn´t handle the upcoming emotions any more that I finally started a therapy. After 2 years of almost crashing crying on the couch once a week after each session I finally entered a state where I was able to feel good emotions. I started crying when someone told me something nice.

Oh, there were times I really thought if it wasn´t better to not feel again.

Well, looking back I didn´t got alcohol or drug addicted but work, sport and affection from outside addicted.

If I´m just good at my job, if I´m just thin, if I´m just sexy……I will be happy….

Gues what…nope!

With 34 I was the first time in my life in a situation where I could afford to travel – which I wanted to do my whole life. My grandpa (the other one, my fathers side, the good one) always told us about his time at the marine. About travels, the world, dolphins playing in front of the boat… He also gave me his love of water.

Again reinventing myself

My first travel to Thailand with friends was mind blowing for me. I was so fascinated that people with so less could be so happy. I remember like yesterday the picture of kids playing with self-created animals out of straws with pure joy in their faces.

This started to make me think.

Also there was finally something more important for me then the fear of not being irreplaceable at work – this journey.

From there on I went for a long vacation of 3,5-4 weeks in a row every year. Preferably with switched off phone.

Because I also finished my first big goal on my life dream list and learned to drive a motorbike with 27 I went on a motorbike tour through Sri Lanka shortly after the civil war there ended. They still searched for land mines along the ways in the north. We didn´t followed a map, we didn´t had google maps to lead us the way, we drove as many small streets as possible. It was AMAZING!!

I tried to reproduce that in Greece alone – absolute failure! I rushed home before my vacation time was over and felt like the biggest failure on earth.

But all of these vacations, every day tour on my motorbike in Germany, every day at work feeling stuck in the hamster wheel, every time after a long vacation feeling horribly misplaced in Germany let me to the life changing holiday in 2017.

At the end of my holiday in Thailand I decided spontaneously to hit the other very big life goal on my list and learn to dive!

Not only did I feel under water like I always belonged there, I loved the community of divers, being in nature in one of the purest forms possible, the excitement of the preparation of a dive, the sun on the boat…..maybe that was the first time I truly felt happy in my life. Or started to begin to understand it?

Because I met so many divers and full time travelers I got an inside how much fear I was carrying. I remember I was sitting on the beach talking to these super relaxed long time travel girls and hear me saying that I would miss the security of insurances, safety bladibladibla…..

Well, at the end it took me 6 month to leave Germany and become a dive instructor.

Journey still ongoing

I´m still not at the end of my journey.

I needed to date a textbook narcists and move with him to the Maldives to make sure I could not escape him (thank you universe for this very clear hit) to find Dr. Ramanis YouTube channel to finally understand everything about narcissism to be able to understand my childhood traumas.

He also took me out of my finally achieved happiness state that I needed to learn how to get it back.

Because of the pandemic I moved back to Germany cause my parents both had cancer. I moved in with my sister in a town without social net. All my friends were living 250km away.

Now you probably think I had my family around me. Well, I realised in this time how toxic my family actually was. But I´m still happy I was with them the last 2 years of their life. I also don´t regret that I´ve chosen my personal wellbeing over staying there and getting fully depressed. So, after my stepmom died I moved back to Asia. Not knowing my father left us shortly after.

I started to get anxieties to go at the place that was before Maldives and Covid my happy place, I switched countries and islands to just find myself back in an very toxic workplace.

But finally I´ve learned to set boundaries and leave not matter the material costs if it´s not good for my mental well-being. I went back to Europe cause of a man who dumped me shortly after so I needed to reassess my life again.

And here we are. New plan, new path. But learned A LOT!!

Emotional abuse, depression, just enough money to survive, enough money but no happiness, new path, old path…..life is teaching us with everything. You just need to listen.

Or like my stepmom used to say: “You always know what it’s good for afterwards.”

Let´s see where my path is leading me to….wanna join me?